Bodybuilding humor

YOU MIGHT BE A BODYBUILDER IF…- Bodybuilding humor

Bodybuilders and figure girls are a breed onto themselves and looking back at my competitve days I can’t help but laugh at some of the things we used to do. I always say that if you can’t laugh at yourself, then you are taking life far too seriously. With that in mind, here is some humor that I put together about that sub-section of humanity called bodybuilders and figure contestants. Thanks to my good friend Vlad for some input and a tip of the hat to Jeff Foxworthy for the format. Hope you enjoy! 

YOU MIGHT BE A BODYBUILDER IF…

Guys: If you look forward to teaching your daughter how to shave her legs just like daddy- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you can quote the protein content of a can of tuna fish to the second decimal point- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you ever used the words “sore” and “felt good” in the same sentence- you might be a bodybuilder
 

If you can identify Arnold Schwarzenegger from a picture showing only his calves- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you were ever late for work because the time flew by while you were posing in front of the mirror- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you ever took your clothes off in the restroom at work to check on your conditioning- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you can have a conversation lasting ten minutes or longer about essential amino acids- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you ever thought about flexing while standing in a police line up- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you diet down for your honey moon- you might be a bodybuilder 

If you hear the name Jay Cutler and think Mr. Olympia- you might be a bodybuilder (Sorry all, the rest of America would say you were talking about a football player- I think.) 

If you ever moved something really heavy, put it down and then picked it up again with your other arm to make sure your symmetry doesn’t suffer- you might be a bodybuilder 

If you have conversations about how many grams of protein you’ve had for the day- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you ever brought your own food in Tupperware to a family dinner/wedding/restaurant- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you think that Tupperware is the greatest human invention after Hammer Strength Machines- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you know the exact circumference of your right bicep- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you think carrying 15% bodyfat qualifies you as a fat bastard- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you shave and drop your carbs slightly before going to the doctor’s office because you know you’ll have to take your shirt off- you might be a bodybuilder. 

Ladies: If you complain to your girlfriends that you are holding water and it is blurring the definition in your abs, and they come after you with pitchforks and lighted torches- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you ever took chicken breasts to the movie theater so you wouldn’t miss a meal- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you ever got strange stares after asking for sodium free popcorn at the local movie theater- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If a Foreman grill is a must for your carry on luggage- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you buy clothes at a particular department store because the lighting in the changing room makes you look ripped- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you ever worried that you were burning too many calories while standing in line- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you ever passed gas and birds started their migration early- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you don’t see anything wrong with using Ziploc bags as food containers- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If your kid hits a front double biceps shot when someone points a camera and says “Pose!”- you might be a bodybuilder (Guilty on that one too.) 

If ‘whey’ is not something that you only hear in nursery rhymes involving a little girl named Muppet- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If anyone ever asked you if you had a degree in biochemistry after you explained to them what they should eat after a workout- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you ever felt left out at the annual office party because they didn’t have any sodium free skinless chicken breasts on the menu- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If your idea of a dream vacation involves access to an on demand barbecue grill- you might be a bodybuilder. 

When your chest is bigger than your girlfriends – you might be a bodybuilder. 

When you refuse a slice of your own birthday cake – you might be a bodybuilder. 

When you take more pills than your grandmother- you might be a bodybuilder. 

When you schedule your college classes around your workout – you might be a bodybuilder. 

When you leave a party to eat meal 6- you might be a bodybuilder. 

When you pump up because you know you will have to take your shirt off at the doctor’s office- you might be a bodybuilder. 

When you switch hands while brushing your teeth, just so your left arm gets the same workout as your right arm for purposes of maintaining symmetry – you might be a bodybuilder. 

When you spend more time in a fitting room looking at yourself without clothes than you do while wearing the clothes that you went in to try on in the first place – you might be a bodybuilder. 

You don’t want to marry a petite woman because your afraid of her “bad” genetics- you might be a bodybuilder. 

Thanks for stopping by and feel free to add your ‘You might be a bodybuilder if…’ jokes as well! 

  Photo: Los Angeles Times

Kevin Richardson is a drug free bodybuilding champion and founder of the Naturally Intense System of Diet & Exercise. He isn’t considering giving up his day job so you can give him a call for personal training at 1-800-798-8420 or visit his official website at www.naturallyintense.net

Most Annoying Question Ever Asked As A Bodybuilder & Personal Trainer UPDATED VERSION

 
This is something posted over at the MYSPACE FITNESS & MUSCLE GROUP in response to the question, “What is the most annoying question that I have ever been asked as a bodybuilder and personal trainer?” Well, unfortunately, I have quite a list and I am always amazed that people actually say these things! Don’t get me wrong, I do truly enjoy talking about what I do and have been known to spend hours upon hours answering questions from complete strangers on everything from how a ten minute workout can really get you in shape (I get that one a lot for some reason) to general questions on dieting, training  and losing weight. (If you ever see me in the street, please don’t hesitate to stop me and say “hi!” and if you have a question, ask away, I am always happy to help out!) On the other hand, however some people do ask some really silly (and sometimes inappropriate things that I won’t bore you with here), and so here they are in no particular order of annoyance, along with the responses that I sometimes say or just think to say in my head (it depends on my mood- but most times I just think it). People liked the original post so much that I even gave some second thought to a return to the comedy stage…Anyway I hope enjoy it and please feel free to leave your own comments at the end.

 
Q: “Do you lift weights?” 

A:  No my parents happened to be Greek Gods. Why do you ask?

Q: “How much do you lift?”  

A:16! 

Q: “Are you really going to lift all that weight?”

A: No, I just like to load up the bars in the gym and stand next to them while breathing really heavily. It’s how I get my cardio in, and it makes my stalker phone calls more realistic.

Q: “How long will it take me to look like you?”

A: About 30 seconds, but you will have to wear dark colours and find a way to fake the beginnings of male pattern baldness.

Q: “How can I turn fat into muscle?” 

A: You need a full moon, two live chickens (free range, mind you), four land lizards and some red paint. An advanced knowledge of alchemy would help too!

Q: “Doesn’t all that muscle slow you down?” 

A: Only when passing in front of a mirror.

Q: “How come you don’t wear clothes that show off your muscles all the time?”

A: Because it would certainly tip the super-villains off as to my secret identity.

Q: “Why don’t eat normal food?”

A: I have to watch my figure, because if I don’t, no one else will.

Q: “What is it like to live with yourself with a body like that?”

A: Actually, I don’t livwe with myself anymore. I had a huge argument and broke up with myself about four days ago and I moved out. If you don’t mind it’s still a sensitive issue and I would rather not talk about it.

Q: “Why do you still train so hard, aren’t you big enough already?”

A: No, you see my goal is to win the Mr. Universe, not the earth based one, the real one held on Cardassia, and if you have ever seen the Klingons, you’ll understand that I really need to keep up with my training. Don’t even get me started on how big the Kryptonians can be!

Q: “Did you ever follow the Atkins Diet?” 

A: No, because I never wanted to look like Dr. Atkins.

Q: “Do you only eat salads?”

A: That’s right, I have one leaf of lettuce, twice a day. If I am really feel like splurging, I’ll have three leaves!!!

Q: “What is the best way to lose 40 lbs in 24 hours?”

A: Cut off your left leg.
 

Q: “What is the best way to lose 20 lbs in a week?”

A: Easy, go to Mexico, start drinking the tap water and just watch the pounds melt away!

Q: ‘How did you get so big without using steroids?”

A: I never, ever exhale! Ever!

Q: “You know I used to look just like you when I worked out!”

A: Thanks for telling me, I really wouldn’t have known otherwise.
 

Q: “How can you look like that if you don’t take any supplements?”

A: Simple, I have this magic pendant that I wear, that not only helps me lose bodyfat and gain muscle, but it gives me the proportional strength of a soccer mom in Florida named Frida. You should get one!
 

Q: “Why do you train so hard all the time?”

A: Richard Simmons! That guy is  hitting the gym hard and might catch up to me, if I don’t watch it. I hear Dr. Phil isn’t too far behind either.

Q: “Don’t you feel strange with so many people knowing what you look like in your underwear?” 

A: You mean they weren’t kidding about using X-ray lenses in the camera for the photoshoots? I was fully clothed the whole time!

Q: “Do you really look the way that you do in the pictures?”

A: Yes but, only on weekdays at 3:34 pm, Eastern Standard Time.

Q: “With muscles like that, why don’t you get a tattoo?”

A: Great idea! Where can I get a life-sized tattoo of myself, but 2 inches taller?

Q: “What would really happen if you cheated on your diet once and had a little bit of pizza or ice-cream?”

A: Then I would have broken my promise to the tree fairies and they would take away my first born son. Can’t afford the wrath of the tree fairies! 

Q: “How come your arms are so big?”

A: Mosquitoes. My skin is really sensitive!

Q: “How come you stay in great shape all the time?”  

A: Cloning. There are actually four of us and now that you know our secret we are going to have to kill you.

Q: “Isn’t it a bit weird spending all that time doing things like bodybuilding? Why don’t you do a more normal sport.”

A: After they banned full contact cheese rolling, I had nowhere else to go. Besides it seemed like a pretty natural transition.

Q: “Are you available for bachelorette parties? I need a stripper?”

A: Absolutely, as long as you feed me and I don’t have to take off any of my clothes.

Q: “Are all those muscles really yours?”

A: Well, not exactly, it’s a suit that I got early on layaway from Modells. Two more payments of $19.99 and they are all mine!!!!
Any questions?

NYC personal trainerKevin Richardson is not leaving his day job as a health and fitness writer, personal trainer and the founder of the Naturally Intense System of Diet & Exercise. You can learn more about the 10 minute workouts of the Naturally Intense System at his official website at www.naturallyintense.net and be sure to get his free weight loss book here!