Crazy Questions I Have Been Asked Over The Years

[batmannyc]

This is something posted over at the MYSPACE FITNESS & MUSCLE GROUP in response to the question, "What is the most annoying question that I have ever been asked as a bodybuilder?". Well, unfortunately, I have a very long list of them, and I am always amazed that people actually say these things and I am sure that most of you out there can relate. Here they are in no particular order of annoyance, along with the responses that I sometimes say or just think to say in my head (it depends on my mood- but most times I just think it). People liked it a lot, so I decided to repost it with some updates. Feel free to leave your own comments at the end.

"Do you lift weights?" - No my parents happened to be Greek Gods. Why?


"How much do you lift?"- 16 ounces! In one hand! No spot! Honest! Full reps!


"Are you really going to lift all that weight?" - No, I just like to load up the bars and stand next to them while breathing really heavily. It is how I get my cardio in, and it makes my stalker phone calls more realistic.


"How long will it take me to look like you?" - About 30 seconds. It's all is all about using dark colors and keeping your hair low at all times.


"How can I turn fat into muscle?" - You need a full moon, two live chickens (free range- not Perdue, mind you), four land lizards and some red paint. An advanced knowledge of alchemy or voodoo would help as well.


"Doesn't all that muscle slow you down?" - Only when passing in front of a mirror.


"How come you don't wear clothes that show off your muscles all the time?"-
Because it would certainly tip the super-villains off as to my secret identity.


"How come you don't eat normal food?" - I have to watch my figure, because if I don't, no one else will.


"How do you live with yourself, having a body like that?" Actually, I don't. I broke up with myself about four days ago and I moved out to the apartment across the hall, and if you don't mind it is still a sensitive issue and I would rather not talk about it.


"Why do you still train so hard, aren't you big enough already?" - No, you see my goal is to win the Mr. Universe, not the earth based one, the real one, and if you have ever seen the Klingons, you'll understand that I am no where near big enough. Don't even get me started on how big the Kryptonians can be!


"How come you don't follow the Atkins Diet?" – Simple, I never wanted to look like Dr. Atkins.


"Do you only eat salads?" - That's right, I have one leaf of lettuce, twice a day. If I am really need the energy, I'll have three leaves.


"I have a wedding/high school reunion/dream vacation coming up next week, what can I do to get into shape really quickly?" - Talk to the editors of the magazine, explain your plight and maybe they'll include you in the next issue. It's a long shot, though.



"What is the best way to lose 20 lbs in 24 hours?" Cut off your left leg.



"What is the best way to lose 10 lbs in a week?" Easy, go to Mexico and drink the tap water.


'How did you get so big?" I never, ever exhale!


"You know I work out just like you do?" Thanks for telling me, as I really wouldn't have known otherwise.



"How can you look the way you look if you don't take any supplements?" Simple, I have this pendant that I wear, that not only helps me lose bodyfat and gain muscle, but it also gives me the proportional strength of a soccer mom in Florida named Frida.



"Why do you workout so hard all the time?" Because if I don't, that Richard Simmons guy is going to catch up to me, and he is gaining fast! Dr. Phil isn't too far behind either.


"Don't you feel strange with so many people seeing you in your underwear?" You mean in all those shots they took, I wasn't wearing anything. Oh, I am so embarrassed!


"How do you feel when people keep coming up to you and asking all those questions?" You mean like right now?


"Do you really look the way that you look in the pictures?" No, only on weekdays at 3:34 pm Eastern Standard Time.


"With muscles like that, why don't you get a tattoo?" Good idea! Where can I get a life-sized tattoo of myself, but 2 inches taller.


"What would happen if you cheated on your diet once and a while and had a little bit of pizza or ice-cream?" Then I would have broken my promise to the tree fairies and they would take away my first born son. But worse than that is that I would probably end up looking like you.


"I train hard, and my arms don't look like yours, what are you doing that I am not?" Mosquitoes. They really work wonders in swelling everything up! Try it!


"How is it that you are able to stay in shape all year round?"- Cloning. There are actually four of us and now that you know my secret we are going to have to kill you.


"Isn't it a bit weird spending all that time doing bodybuilding? Why don't you do a more normal sport." After they banned full contact cheese rolling, I had nowhere else to turn, and besides it seemed like a pretty natural transition.


"Are you available for bachelorette parties? I need a stripper?" Sure, as long as you feed me and I don't have to take off any of my clothes.


"Are all those muscles really yours?" Well, not exactly, I have two more payments of $19.99 and then it will be.