Bodybuilding humor

YOU MIGHT BE A BODYBUILDER IF…- Bodybuilding humor

Bodybuilders and figure girls are a breed onto themselves and looking back at my competitve days I can’t help but laugh at some of the things we used to do. I always say that if you can’t laugh at yourself, then you are taking life far too seriously. With that in mind, here is some humor that I put together about that sub-section of humanity called bodybuilders and figure contestants. Thanks to my good friend Vlad for some input and a tip of the hat to Jeff Foxworthy for the format. Hope you enjoy! 

YOU MIGHT BE A BODYBUILDER IF…

Guys: If you look forward to teaching your daughter how to shave her legs just like daddy- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you can quote the protein content of a can of tuna fish to the second decimal point- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you ever used the words “sore” and “felt good” in the same sentence- you might be a bodybuilder
 

If you can identify Arnold Schwarzenegger from a picture showing only his calves- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you were ever late for work because the time flew by while you were posing in front of the mirror- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you ever took your clothes off in the restroom at work to check on your conditioning- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you can have a conversation lasting ten minutes or longer about essential amino acids- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you ever thought about flexing while standing in a police line up- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you diet down for your honey moon- you might be a bodybuilder 

If you hear the name Jay Cutler and think Mr. Olympia- you might be a bodybuilder (Sorry all, the rest of America would say you were talking about a football player- I think.) 

If you ever moved something really heavy, put it down and then picked it up again with your other arm to make sure your symmetry doesn’t suffer- you might be a bodybuilder 

If you have conversations about how many grams of protein you’ve had for the day- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you ever brought your own food in Tupperware to a family dinner/wedding/restaurant- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you think that Tupperware is the greatest human invention after Hammer Strength Machines- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you know the exact circumference of your right bicep- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you think carrying 15% bodyfat qualifies you as a fat bastard- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you shave and drop your carbs slightly before going to the doctor’s office because you know you’ll have to take your shirt off- you might be a bodybuilder. 

Ladies: If you complain to your girlfriends that you are holding water and it is blurring the definition in your abs, and they come after you with pitchforks and lighted torches- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you ever took chicken breasts to the movie theater so you wouldn’t miss a meal- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you ever got strange stares after asking for sodium free popcorn at the local movie theater- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If a Foreman grill is a must for your carry on luggage- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you buy clothes at a particular department store because the lighting in the changing room makes you look ripped- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you ever worried that you were burning too many calories while standing in line- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you ever passed gas and birds started their migration early- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If you don’t see anything wrong with using Ziploc bags as food containers- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If your kid hits a front double biceps shot when someone points a camera and says “Pose!”- you might be a bodybuilder (Guilty on that one too.) 

If ‘whey’ is not something that you only hear in nursery rhymes involving a little girl named Muppet- you might be a bodybuilder.
 

If anyone ever asked you if you had a degree in biochemistry after you explained to them what they should eat after a workout- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If you ever felt left out at the annual office party because they didn’t have any sodium free skinless chicken breasts on the menu- you might be a bodybuilder. 

If your idea of a dream vacation involves access to an on demand barbecue grill- you might be a bodybuilder. 

When your chest is bigger than your girlfriends – you might be a bodybuilder. 

When you refuse a slice of your own birthday cake – you might be a bodybuilder. 

When you take more pills than your grandmother- you might be a bodybuilder. 

When you schedule your college classes around your workout – you might be a bodybuilder. 

When you leave a party to eat meal 6- you might be a bodybuilder. 

When you pump up because you know you will have to take your shirt off at the doctor’s office- you might be a bodybuilder. 

When you switch hands while brushing your teeth, just so your left arm gets the same workout as your right arm for purposes of maintaining symmetry – you might be a bodybuilder. 

When you spend more time in a fitting room looking at yourself without clothes than you do while wearing the clothes that you went in to try on in the first place – you might be a bodybuilder. 

You don’t want to marry a petite woman because your afraid of her “bad” genetics- you might be a bodybuilder. 

Thanks for stopping by and feel free to add your ‘You might be a bodybuilder if…’ jokes as well! 

  Photo: Los Angeles Times

Kevin Richardson is a drug free bodybuilding champion and founder of the Naturally Intense System of Diet & Exercise. He isn’t considering giving up his day job so you can give him a call for personal training at 1-800-798-8420 or visit his official website at www.naturallyintense.net

Jay relaxed and in shape backstage at the NPC Brooklyn Bodybuilding Championships.

What becomes a champion most? Is it the number of titles and accolades that adorn their mantles or is it their unwavering spirit of self improvement. To me only the latter is of any real tangibility and with that I would like to present my good friend and Naturally Intense client, Jay Larcher.

Jay started training with me about 6 months ago to get ready for the Eastern USA Bodybuilding Championships- a high caliber regional level contest that he had competed in last year and wanted to improve his showing. What makes Jay’s venture notable, however is that he wanted to do it drug free. Contests promoted by this organization are not tested for the use of anabolic steroids, diuretics and other performance enhancing drugs, in fact their use is strongly encouraged.

As a lifetime natural athlete myself, I was immediately impressed by Jay’s spirit. We shared a certain sense of integrity and he was not concerned about being anything but the best that he could be without the help of any artificial advantage. Preparing for a bodybuilding contest is no small undertaking, but readying to stand toe to toe with some of the top competitors on the East Coast powered only by old fashioned hard work and dedication makes it even more of a challenge.
Our challenge, though, was to make Jay the best that he had ever been, and I had full confidence that his best would allow him to hold his own against his competition, and he did just that. Having gained a full ten pounds of muscle and sporting striations that he had never seen before thanks to the brutally high intensity 10 minute workouts workouts and his customized diet. With no aerobics and following the principles of the Naturally Intense System of Diet & Exercise, Jay was not only able to be his best, but beat his best!

The Warm Up- The NPC Brooklyn Bodybuilding & Fitness Show

With all of my competitors, I always have them do a ‘warm up’ contest before their showing in a major contest, to help them get used to being onstage and also to let the judges have a first look at them as well. With my method, you are always contest ready at least 2 to 4 weeks before the actual show, so the NPC Brooklyn Bodybuilding and Fitness two weeks prior to the Easterns seemed a good choice. With nothing in terms of last minute carb depletion, water restrictions or fancy supplements, Jay walked onstage amazed by his new body, and moreover that he was able ot look better than he ever did without having to starve himself, or resort to any last minute manipulations. This new look was how he looked all the time, and as time goes on he would only get better and better. For the Brooklyn show, Jay placed a respectable 6th in the light heavyweight class- many had him much higher. With his lines, conditioning, overall symmetry and balance, several veterans in the audience placed him as high as third in their estimation, but as a judge said afterwards, it is all about being bigger. Our competition is an internal one, not a path based on the preferences of a judging panel, but more importantly a path where health comes first, and the compromises required to be bigger are not part of our program. 

The Moment of Truth- The Eastern USA Bodybuilding Championships 

Jay Larcher holding his own at the Eastern USA Bodybuilding Championships

On contest day, Jay stepped onstage with a confidence that can only be equaled by the pride that I, his girlfriend, Kimani and his family felt as we sat in the audience cheering him on. He looked very much like he belonged there and the victory that night was not in the form of a trophy, but in the realization of a personal best and a sense of accomplishment that can never be taken away. Immediately after coming off stage at the pre-judging, his first words to me were,
“Wait until they see what we are going to do next year!”

Such a spirit, such a passion and such determination cannot be stopped and I look forward to seeing him step onstage next year, no longer a light heavyweight, but a legitimate heavyweight contender. There is no off season for those of us who look to bodybuilding as a lifestyle, no pizza and junk food binges after months of deprivation. For us it is about health, balance and the understanding that such tools on your side do indeed make you unbeatable. Thank you, Jay, not only for helping inspire so many others but also for inspiring me as well.

NYC Personal Trainer Kevin Richardson is one of the most sought after personal trainers in New York City, a lifetime drug free bodybuilding champion and the founder of the Naturally Intense System of Diet & Exercise™. His unorthodox 10 minute workouts have been helping people get get better results in less time for the past 19 years! Get a copy of his free weight loss e-book here!

Most Annoying Question Ever Asked As A Bodybuilder & Personal Trainer UPDATED VERSION

 
This is something posted over at the MYSPACE FITNESS & MUSCLE GROUP in response to the question, “What is the most annoying question that I have ever been asked as a bodybuilder and personal trainer?” Well, unfortunately, I have quite a list and I am always amazed that people actually say these things! Don’t get me wrong, I do truly enjoy talking about what I do and have been known to spend hours upon hours answering questions from complete strangers on everything from how a ten minute workout can really get you in shape (I get that one a lot for some reason) to general questions on dieting, training  and losing weight. (If you ever see me in the street, please don’t hesitate to stop me and say “hi!” and if you have a question, ask away, I am always happy to help out!) On the other hand, however some people do ask some really silly (and sometimes inappropriate things that I won’t bore you with here), and so here they are in no particular order of annoyance, along with the responses that I sometimes say or just think to say in my head (it depends on my mood- but most times I just think it). People liked the original post so much that I even gave some second thought to a return to the comedy stage…Anyway I hope enjoy it and please feel free to leave your own comments at the end.

 
Q: “Do you lift weights?” 

A:  No my parents happened to be Greek Gods. Why do you ask?

Q: “How much do you lift?”  

A:16! 

Q: “Are you really going to lift all that weight?”

A: No, I just like to load up the bars in the gym and stand next to them while breathing really heavily. It’s how I get my cardio in, and it makes my stalker phone calls more realistic.

Q: “How long will it take me to look like you?”

A: About 30 seconds, but you will have to wear dark colours and find a way to fake the beginnings of male pattern baldness.

Q: “How can I turn fat into muscle?” 

A: You need a full moon, two live chickens (free range, mind you), four land lizards and some red paint. An advanced knowledge of alchemy would help too!

Q: “Doesn’t all that muscle slow you down?” 

A: Only when passing in front of a mirror.

Q: “How come you don’t wear clothes that show off your muscles all the time?”

A: Because it would certainly tip the super-villains off as to my secret identity.

Q: “Why don’t eat normal food?”

A: I have to watch my figure, because if I don’t, no one else will.

Q: “What is it like to live with yourself with a body like that?”

A: Actually, I don’t livwe with myself anymore. I had a huge argument and broke up with myself about four days ago and I moved out. If you don’t mind it’s still a sensitive issue and I would rather not talk about it.

Q: “Why do you still train so hard, aren’t you big enough already?”

A: No, you see my goal is to win the Mr. Universe, not the earth based one, the real one held on Cardassia, and if you have ever seen the Klingons, you’ll understand that I really need to keep up with my training. Don’t even get me started on how big the Kryptonians can be!

Q: “Did you ever follow the Atkins Diet?” 

A: No, because I never wanted to look like Dr. Atkins.

Q: “Do you only eat salads?”

A: That’s right, I have one leaf of lettuce, twice a day. If I am really feel like splurging, I’ll have three leaves!!!

Q: “What is the best way to lose 40 lbs in 24 hours?”

A: Cut off your left leg.
 

Q: “What is the best way to lose 20 lbs in a week?”

A: Easy, go to Mexico, start drinking the tap water and just watch the pounds melt away!

Q: ‘How did you get so big without using steroids?”

A: I never, ever exhale! Ever!

Q: “You know I used to look just like you when I worked out!”

A: Thanks for telling me, I really wouldn’t have known otherwise.
 

Q: “How can you look like that if you don’t take any supplements?”

A: Simple, I have this magic pendant that I wear, that not only helps me lose bodyfat and gain muscle, but it gives me the proportional strength of a soccer mom in Florida named Frida. You should get one!
 

Q: “Why do you train so hard all the time?”

A: Richard Simmons! That guy is  hitting the gym hard and might catch up to me, if I don’t watch it. I hear Dr. Phil isn’t too far behind either.

Q: “Don’t you feel strange with so many people knowing what you look like in your underwear?” 

A: You mean they weren’t kidding about using X-ray lenses in the camera for the photoshoots? I was fully clothed the whole time!

Q: “Do you really look the way that you do in the pictures?”

A: Yes but, only on weekdays at 3:34 pm, Eastern Standard Time.

Q: “With muscles like that, why don’t you get a tattoo?”

A: Great idea! Where can I get a life-sized tattoo of myself, but 2 inches taller?

Q: “What would really happen if you cheated on your diet once and had a little bit of pizza or ice-cream?”

A: Then I would have broken my promise to the tree fairies and they would take away my first born son. Can’t afford the wrath of the tree fairies! 

Q: “How come your arms are so big?”

A: Mosquitoes. My skin is really sensitive!

Q: “How come you stay in great shape all the time?”  

A: Cloning. There are actually four of us and now that you know our secret we are going to have to kill you.

Q: “Isn’t it a bit weird spending all that time doing things like bodybuilding? Why don’t you do a more normal sport.”

A: After they banned full contact cheese rolling, I had nowhere else to go. Besides it seemed like a pretty natural transition.

Q: “Are you available for bachelorette parties? I need a stripper?”

A: Absolutely, as long as you feed me and I don’t have to take off any of my clothes.

Q: “Are all those muscles really yours?”

A: Well, not exactly, it’s a suit that I got early on layaway from Modells. Two more payments of $19.99 and they are all mine!!!!
Any questions?

NYC personal trainerKevin Richardson is not leaving his day job as a health and fitness writer, personal trainer and the founder of the Naturally Intense System of Diet & Exercise. You can learn more about the 10 minute workouts of the Naturally Intense System at his official website at www.naturallyintense.net and be sure to get his free weight loss book here!

Fred Sanya- Kenyan Bodybuilding Champion

I got an email from my good friend and photographer, Dennis Lee about a guy that he had met in Kenya named Fred Sanya. Fred was a Kenyan bodybuilder that was coming to America to compete in the November MuscleMania contest and Dennis asked if I could meet Fred and give him some guidance with regards to his training and diet, as where he lives in Kenya, the gym is made up of homemade weights, made from cement. More astonishingly Dennis told me that Fred was truly a sight to see in terms of his impressive muscle mass, but that he was even more impressive since he only ate one meal a day. On hearing that I knew that I had to do whatever I could to help out Fred. I had just received a letter from a bodybuilder in Benin who was in a similar situation and wanted to know if I could help him out in some way as well and I always do my best whenever I hear these stories as I know all too well what it is like to try to build a champion level physique on just one meal a day myself.

Fed Sanya Back In The Gym In Kenya

As a teenager in Trinidad, I never had enough money to afford the ideal number of meals and would struggle to eat four times a day. I actually started my career as a personal trainer at the advice of my coach as a way to get more money to buy my food. At the time I only got paid once a month so I only had enough food for about 3 weeks. For the last week (or sometimes two depending on the length of the month) I would only have enough for one main meal and as hard as it was it never stopped me from the pursuit of my goal. Hearing about Fred, I thus felt an immediate kinship and arranged to have him meet me at the 19th Street Gym, where I train and my personal training business operates.

To say that I was impressed by Fred would be a true understatement. He came in, all full of smiles with a friend of his who was helping him get around for the day and I shook the hand of this giant of a man. He stood just about six feet tall and at about 220lbs with a barrel chest and impressively wide shoulders. His physique spoke of the years of training that he had put himself through (Fred at this point has been training for over 8 years now) and that he was able to accumulate such amazing proportions eating one meal a day spoke legion to what he would accomplish in the months to come. Fred was so happy just to be here, and we sat down in the gym lobby for a while and spoke about bodybuilding, training and the difference between what it is like here in the United States and his native land in terms of the food and training equipment.

Fred Sanya At 19th Street Gym

Fred said that in his country there is so little food and the gyms are so run down that you just have to train hard and do the best that you can. Some of the competitiors in Kenya also take steroids, which Fred is dead set against using and welcomed the idea of coming to the United States to compete in drug tested contests. I sympathized with him, as when I started competing in Trinidad, there was no such thing as a drug free contest. Steroids were very much a part of the competitive landscape and my decision to not not go that route was  very difficult one, but I stood fast and was able to be competitive nonetheless.

I told Fred about another bodybuilder that also had very little access to good food at the beginning of his career, but was able to compete and build a championship level physique, my good friend, Kai Greene- who in my opinion was one of the greatest natural bodybuilders of all time, during the period that I was with him competing in the NPC. Kai and I would spend hours talking about the importance of passion, and that most people simply didn’t understand the concept of making your dreams a reality no matter what the obstacles are. Fred is a great example of just that as he never complained about what he didn’t have he just trained hard and was able to accomplish great things in the process.

Fred Shows The Champion Level Form That He Was Able To Build Drug Free!

Victor Munoz, Victor Martinez’s coach and a friend of mine walked by and I introduced him to Fred. Fred was very excited to meet the man behind one of the top IFBB pros on the circuit today and Victor shared some of his words of wisdom as well. Hailing from Cuba, he too knew what it was like to not have everything at your fingertips as it is here in the United States. He said that Fred had a lot of potential  and that he would do really well over here, but that he needed to eat clean at all times, since the food over here is plentiful, but it is really easy to start eating the wrong things. Fred was very excited to learn that Victor Martinez actually trained at the 19th Street Gym and could hardly wait to see the place.

Fred’s typical workout regime in Kenya revolved around the very basics, squats, deadlifts, shoulder presses, rows curls and bench presses with not very much else. Fred trained 6 days a week twice a day (that’s not a typo) and has made tremendous gains from this remarkable regime. Some might say that his unconventional approach is not an effective one, but the proof as they say is in the pudding and Fred’s physique does indeed speak volumes for the validity of what he was doing. As someone that gained over 100lbs over the years with three fifteen to twenty minute workouts, I know for a fact that very often the unconventional can produce some unconventional results! I told Fred about my own Naturally Intense System of 10 minute workouts and he was incredulous.

“How can you work the muscles in such a short time?” he asked with a puzzled expression on his face, so I did what I always do when asked that question, I took him for a workout! Fred had also never trained in a real gym, so when we descended into the sprawling sea of iron that is the 19th Street Gym, he was dumbfounded. I reminded him that though the many machines offer a great degree of variety for many body parts, the basics of what got him to where he was in the first place should never be forgotten. He wanted to train legs and so I took him through a paces of a Naturally Intense leg workout!

Fred loved every minute of it, and after the first round of hamstring curls (which, by the way he had never done before ), clearly feeling the effects, he boomed,

“Please! We are not finished yet?”

We were not, after launching into a set of squats, verticals and calves he was barely able to walk. Total training time, 8.5 minutes and Fred looked at me with a great smile, shook my hand and said,

“Maybe I need to think about training a bit like this, I have never felt like this before!”

At this point my other clients at the gym had arrived and Fred warned them,

“Be careful with this guy, this training is no joke!”

Me & Fred Hamming It Up For The Camera!

In Fred I could really see the passion that I and so many others have over the years and I look forward to helping him and seeing him go straight to the top of the sport. I hope that his example helps inspire you and many others that you can indeed make your dreams a reality without drugs, and even without the many protein powders and supplements that are so much a part of training today. All you need is a burnign desire to succed and a real commitment to never give up, no matter what. Excelsior!

You can see more of Fred at his website at www.fredsanya.com.

 Update- 12/2/09- Congratulations to Fred Sanya on winning his class at the 2009 Musclemania and I am honored to have been able to help him with his diet and training. He truly is a champion at heart!

Kevin Richardson is a lifetime drug free bodybuilder and founder of the Naturally Intense System of Diet & Exercise. You can visit his official website at www.naturallyintense.net