Most Annoying Question Ever Asked As A Bodybuilder UPDATED VERSION
This is something posted over at the MYSPACE FITNESS & MUSCLE GROUP in response to the question, “What is the most annoying question that I have ever been asked as a bodybuilder?” Well, unfortunately, I have quite a list and I am always amazed that people actually say these things! Don’t get me wrong, I truly enjoy talking to people and have been known to spend hours answering questions from complete strangers. If you ever see me in the street, please don’t hesitate to stop me and say “hi!” On the other hand, some people do ask some really silly and sometimes inappropriate things (I won’t bore you with the inappropriate stuff), and so here they are in no particular order of annoyance, along with the responses that I wish I could say but am just too damned polite to do so. Enjoy!
Q: “Do you lift weights?”
A: No my parents were Greek Gods.
Q: “How much do you lift?”
A:16! 3.5 times!
Q: “Are you really going to lift all that weight?”
A: No, I just like to load up the bars in the gym and stand next to them while breathing really heavily. It’s how I get my cardio in, and it makes my stalker phone calls more realistic.
Q: “How long will it take me to look like you?”
A: About 30 seconds, but you will have to always wear dark colours, walf fast and find a way to fake the beginnings of male pattern baldness.
Q: “How can I turn fat into muscle?”
A: You need a full moon, two live chickens (preferably free range), four land lizards, a goat and some red paint. An advanced knowledge of voodoo would help too!
Q: “Doesn’t all that muscle slow you down?”
A: Only when I pass in front of a mirror.
Q: “How come you don’t wear clothes that show off your muscles all the time?”
A: Because it would certainly tip the super-villains off as to my secret identity.
Q: “Why don’t eat normal food?”
A: I have to watch my figure, because if I don’t, no one else will.
Q: “What is it like to live with yourself with a body like that?”
A: Actually, I can’t live with myself. We had a huge argument and broke up about four days ago and I had to ask myself to move out. If you don’t mind it’s still a sensitive issue and I would rather not talk about it.
Q.: Do you lift weights?
A: Not at all, I am currently having a severe allergic reaction to shellfish. Don’t worry the swelling will go down as soon as I take my Benedryl.
Q: “Why do you still train so hard, aren’t you big enough already?”
A: No, you see my goal is to win the Mr. Universe, not the earth based one, the real one held on Mars, and if you’ve ever seen the Klingons or the Kryptonians, you’ll understand that I really need to keep training!
Q: “Did you ever follow the Atkins Diet?”
A: No, I guess I never wanted to look like Dr. Atkins.
Q: “Do you only eat salads?”
A: That’s right, I have one leaf of lettuce, twice a day. If I am really feel like splurging, I’ll have three leaves!!!
Q: “What is the best way to lose 40 lbs in 24 hours?”
A: Cut off your left leg.
Q: “What is the best way to lose 20 lbs in a week?”
A: Step one: go to Mexico. Step 2: Drink the tap water.
Q: ‘How did you get so big without using steroids?”
A: Simple, I never exhale! Ever!
Q: “You know I used to look just like you when I worked out!”
A: Thanks for telling me, I really wouldn’t have known otherwise.
Q: “How can you look like that if you don’t take any supplements?”
A: I have a magic pendant that helps me lose fat, gain muscle and gives me the proportional strength of a soccer mom in Florida named Frida!
Q: “Why do you train so hard all the time?”
A: Richard Simmons! I don’t want him to catch up!
Q: “Don’t you feel strange with so many people knowing what you look like in your underwear?”
A: How does anyone know what I look like in my underwear? You must be referring to pictures of my twin brother. He looks just like me except he has a thing against wearing clothes in public and he looks a tad shorter since he never wears shoes!
Q: “Do you really look the way that you do in the pictures?”
A: Yes, but, only on weekdays at 3:34 pm, during Daylight Savings Time.
Q: “With muscles like that, why don’t you get a tattoo?”
A: Great idea! Where can I get a life-sized tattoo of myself, but 2 inches taller?
Q: “What would really happen if you cheated on your diet once and had a little bit of pizza or ice-cream?”
A: I would have broken my promise to the tree fairies and as promised they would take away my first born. Can’t afford to mess with the fairies!
Q: “How come your arms are so big?”
A: Mosquitoes. My skin is really sensitive!
Q: “How come you stay in great shape all the time?”
A: Cloning. There are actually four of us. One eats well and trains hard and we keep him locked up in the cellar downstairs and just bring him out for photo-shoots while the rest of us lounge around, watch daytime television, eat junk food and write articles for our blog. And now that you know our secret we are going to have to kill you.
Q: “Isn’t it a bit weird spending all that time doing things like bodybuilding? Why don’t you do a more normal sport.”
A: After they banned cheese rolling, I had nowhere else to go. Besides it seemed like a pretty natural transition.
Q: “Are you available for bachelorette parties? I need a stripper?”
A: Absolutely, as long as you feed me and I don’t have to take off any of my clothes.
Q: “Are all those muscles really yours?”
A: Not exactly, it’s actually a suit that I got early on layaway from Modells. Two more payments of $19.99 and it’s all mine!!!!
NYC personal trainerKevin Richardson is not leaving his day job as a health and fitness writer, and the founder of the Naturally Intense High Intensity Training. You can learn more about Naturally Intense at his official website at www.naturallyintense.net and be sure to get his free weight loss book here!